A New Blog

Yes, you heard it here second (it's already on my Facebook): I'm starting a blog devoted to my experience as a transgender person. This will allow this blog to stay about my day-to-day life. Here is the link, and it will be in my menu above as well.

My Name is Noah and I am Transgender

I'd like to take a little time to speak about something not previously on this blog.

As my friends and some family may know, I came out as transgender in 2014. If you had seen this blog before it was redone, you know that I've changed its layout and even URL to reflect the changes coming out has allowed me to finally make in my life. I'd like to inform (I wish I could find a gentler word) you what's changed and what will be changing in the future, and, most importantly, what remain exactly the same.

Changed

I have known that I am a male in a female's body for about seven years. For better or worse, it has been my best kept secret. I wanted to deny it, I wanted to make myself live in accordance with my chromosomes, but it became too much. It is what I attribute my psychological distress that came to a head in 2011 to.

To know something and to admit it are two totally separate things. As I said, I knew I was trans, but it was not until last April (2014) that I could look at my face in the mirror and say "I am transgender," much less tell anyone else.

The first thing I changed was my usage of pronoun. In July, I came out to my friends and close family as gender fluid. A gender-fluid person sometimes feels like a man and sometimes a woman. This was not the case, but I did so with the rationale that it would test the waters. Thankfully, I widely found acceptance. I chose to use the male pronoun with this change. Some picked up, some did not.

I'd say it was October when I started coming out as binary transgender - or, Female to Male (FTM). For the most part, it went well.

In December, I decided that I wanted to start hormones. For FTMs, testosterone is used as a masculinising treatment, to align what I and others see with what I feel.

It was in January that I decided on changing my name. Although I was very attached to Ley, I knew I had to let it go. Sure, the spelling was gender neutral, but I wanted something not neutral. I could have used Lee, but I've never liked at all how that name looks. It even sounds a bit different in my head. I ended up choosing Noah. As you probably know, I'm Jewish and Noah is a name that reflects that. I also chose it for its meaning, which is rest/comfort. In coming to terms with being trans, I have been more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin, even though coming out meant admitting just how trapped I feel in it. I chose it for another reason, and that is for the story of Noah in the Torah. Noah, as pretty much everyone in the Western world knows, is said to have built the ark when Gd said that He was going to flood the world because people suck. (#Candid) Noah survives the storm that ended others. I have survived my own storm, specifically the trial of mental illness which is now behind me. I also chose to change my middle name to reflect the change in gender. I went with Micah. Micah is said to have been the name my parents would I have chosen had I been designated as male at birth. So I am honouring them there. It also works well with another new aspect of my life, which is my newly found faith. The name is Biblical, being the name of a prophet (the Book of Micah) who speaks against unjust leaders, defends the poor and weak in the face of the rich and powerful, preaches for social justice and hopes for a peaceful world. It contains the quotation, "He has shown all you people what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your god," which I appreciate (6:8). The name itself means "who is like Gd," which relates to my finding spirituality and becoming closer to a true belief in Gd over the course of my transition, the two of which I relate.

Also in January, I began the process to gain access to hormones. The WPATH Standards of Care for transgender people require a letter from a mental health professional recommending hormones as treatment for access to them. This brings me to the next section.

Changing

I chose today to write about this here because today I picked up the afore mentioned letter. It is a great step forward in my transition. I should be making the appointment to meet with the prescribing MD in a week or so. There are many effects, which you can Google.

Not Changing

I don't know what kind of man I'm going to become.

See, that's the thing, I'm the Doctor, but beyond that, I... I just don't know. I literally do not know who I am. It's all untested. Am I... funny? Am I sarcastic? Sexy? Right old misery? Life and soul? Right-handed, left-handed, a gambler, a fighter, a coward, a traitor, a liar, a nervous wreck?

-Tenth Doctor, "The Christmas Invasion" 

So that says a bit of it. I'm still me, just as the Doctor is still himself. It is a tad like I've regenerated. I mean, I'm still me, still making Doctor Who references at every possible chance. It's still the same person inside, same memories, same personality. But there will be changes. People are always in flux, some more than others, and more at certain times in their lives than at other times. This will be a big period of change for me, not only physically but emotionally. A person would have to be socially blind to not understand that males and females are initially socialised differently and continue to be treated differently their entire lives. As I begin to read as male more, I will undoubtedly be treated by people differently. In many respects, I look forward to that, but there are, like everything associated with this transition, things that scare me. But if there is one thing I've learned since I first realised the incongruence in me, it is that taking risks is often worth it. It is a risk I am taking. There's a chance that I will hate being read as male and experiencing a male body; it is entirely possible. But I do not believe that it will happen and that is the important bit. I am completely positive that this is right for me.

Concluding...

Firstly, thanks for reading. To those of you who did not know, I'm glad you do now. I hope to continue to receive your support thought my transition. Currently, I plan to post a selfie a day once I start hormones. The change is bound to be interesting and I look forward to it.

One last thing. I'd apologise for it being self-promoting, but this is my personal blog after all. I have a GoFundMe campaign to help with my transition-related expenses. If you would like to donate, click here. Even if you cannot, please consider shairing the page on your social media account(s). Any help is incredibly valued. Thank you so much.

I've created a transgender tag for the blog. To view all my trans posts in an aggregate, click here.

Generic Post Title: I'm Applying to Become and EMT

When I was about three years old, my mom saw me pulling at my skin on the top of my wrist. In what I imagine was a bit of fear, she asked me what I was doing, and I'm reported to have said "I want to see what's inside." The result of this was my parents buying me a book about the human body that had film layers of the skin, muscles, organs, veins/arteries, nerves, and skeleton. I think I still have it in my room somewhere.
Needless to say, I wanted to be a doctor as a child. We all know that that isn't the case now, but my interest in the medical world never faded. Some of my fondest memories of high school summers are from the week I spent at Appalachian State University at an anatomy/physiology program in which we worked with (human) medical cadavers. It was a bit of a strange thing for a rising 10th grader interested in the arts to do, but I loved every second spent in lab and lecture.

I know I'm not cut out for changing to be a pre-med or nursing student, but what I do know is that I don't want to look back and see that I did nothing with a dream and interest that I've had as long as I can remember. So, after a lot of thought, I am proud to say that I just completed the application for the local volunteer ambulance corps. If things go my way, I will spend the summer becoming an EMT-Basic or at least a first responder.

I'm really excited to be taking this step toward doing something related to what I dreamed I would as a child, and I'll probably post more about it as I find out more. That's all I have to say about it now.

Catching Up: Everything of Importance Since Mid-Novemeber

As this title might lead you to believe, this is going to be quite the post.

End of Fall Semester

I finished the fall semester with a 3.243 GPA, by far the highest I've had. It brought my cumulative up to 2.795. Everything went well.
On a less academic front, as I mentioned in my previous post, I am an understudy in Alpha Psi Omega, the National Theatre Honors Society, which has been a goal since freshman year. This was only made better when the big/little reveals were made, and it is one of my best friends, Brian, who is currently studying abroad in India.

Winter Break

This winter break was absolutely fantastic. I got to work with Broadway Training Center (where I was a student from 2007-12) on their Gala production of Boeing Boeing. It was a huge learning experience for me. I assisted with the building and painting of the set and ran the lights during the show, as well as some other odds and ends. It was so wonderful to be able to work with some of my favourite people.

jTerm

This jTerm, I did a directed study in set design. We have normally-offered courses called "Fundamentals of Theatrical Design" (which I took last spring) and "Advanced Lighting and Design" (which I will take a year from now). There is nothing in between, so my advisor and I decided to call the course "Intermediate Design". I worked independently on a total of four designs for M. Butterfly by David Henry Hwang. You can read more about what I did here.
Also as part of the course, I attended the Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival, Region 1. (KCACTF1, or just ACTF). I attended all the set and lighting design workshops that I could, and made a presentation on what I learned as well. I earned and A in the course, bringing my GPA to 2.836. The biggest thing I took away from the design work and ACTF is that scenic design is what I really want to do.

Side note: Why do I care so much about GPA?

Well, I think I have a pretty good reason. To be inducted to the national for APO, I need at 3 by the last semester of my senior year. Also, I'd like to be in Sigma Tau Delta (English honours) as well, for which I need a 3.0 cumulative and a 3.4 in my English courses. All of that seems like it is on track to happen.

Also jTerm: I designed the costumes for our production of "The Actors Nightmare" by Christopher Durang. What I learned there is that I am not...cut out...to be a costume designer.

Spring Term, so far.

Week five of the semester has just passed, and things are going great. I'm taking a geology lab (#LiberalArtsCollegeStudentProblems), as well as Intro to Literature, the last English course I need for the minor which isn't involved in the theatre major (the theatre major requires 4 dramatic literature courses, and the English minor needs 5 English courses plus Intro). I'm also taking Contemporary American Drama, which is greaat. The last play we covered was actually M. Butterfly. We've also looked at Clyborne Park and a few other cool plays. We will do The Laramie Project and Hedwig and the Angry Inch later in the semester, which I really look forward to.
Also in Noah's world is #Concussion2k15. By the title, you can assume that I have a concussion and every thing is horrible. It happened 5 March and is just starting to clear up. Obviously, I'm well enough to write this. But what this also means is that I've been out of class since the 9th, aside from going to contemporary because we were doing Butterfly that day. I should be back in class on Tuesday. I'll have a lot of catching up to do over spring break.
Another really cool thing? I'm a design assistant on the main stage production of The Liar by Pierre Corneille, translated by David Ives. I'm working on making a library of images to use on the set. Even cooler is that I've been given a Freedman Prize for this. What that means is that I have a certain amount of money to put toward the project and will have a contingency prize at the end. What this also means is that I will be presenting my work at the scholar showcase on 8 May. Yes, on  my birthday. My 21st birthday. What can you do.

I think that's really it, and you can look forward to a redesign of the blog soon! 

Intermediate Design: M. Butterfly by David Henry Hwang

This jTerm, I did a directed study in set design. We have normally-offered courses called "Fundamentals of Theatrical Design" (which I took last spring) and "Advanced Lighting and Design" (which I will take a year from now). There is nothing inbetween, so my advisor and I decided to call the course "Intermediate Design". I worked independently on a total of four designs for M. Butterfly by David Henry Hwang. The challenge was to have the same design adapted to a larger (or smaller, depending on how you look at it)  space. I chose to do two designs. Here are the scale renderings, and a little explanation. I also did the groundplans, but I don't feel the need to upload them.

This one is the large hall abstract-ish one. To give a sense of scale, it's about 50' from the base of the red platform to the bottom of the proscenium arch. I used red and white because of the different connotations they have in the east versus the west. In the east, white is the colour of mourning, like black is in the west. In the west, white is associated with purity. That plays on the idea of Song being a pure being, as Gallimard wants her to be, but the death of that idea when it is revealed Song is actually a man. I used red as it is the western colour of passion/love/things of that ilk, and luck in China. The other colour were chosen primarily because they look good with the others. I wanted to subtly suggest a butterfly with the shape. In between the two, for lack of a better word, wings, is a scrim, and there is a platform behind which means that action can take place behind there, but depending on how one lights a scrim, it can be distorted. If its lit from behind, the objects create an eerie shadow, but if its lit from the front, it creates an even more interesting look. That area could be used for creating the jail cell from which Gallimard recalls the events of the play that lead to his incarceration.

Here is my personal favourite, because it is what came to me while I read the play. I'm calling this one the expressionistic version. It clearly has Gallimard's cell on top, and also has a playing space next to it. There is an archway connecting the two. The cell has the bars on the front and a window on the back, which can be lit from the front of house and the rear as well to create shadows. the pattern on the unit itself, the red, green, and blue, are butterfly colours. I wanted to stay away from the obvious black/brown and orange. The two archways stage right and left are meant to look like the wing of a butterfly. I chose red trim for the colour's connotations again. It is in the same scale as the previous design. 

I adapted these designs to fit in a medium black box. I wanted there to be the ability to play with levels (the director in me came out) in any set up, so I made sure there were levels here. I like the way I consolidated the expressionistic version to still have the cell. As a point of interest, Gallimard says what the dimensions of his cell are, and the dimensions, in all the designs, are roughly that. To give scale, both platforms are about 30' across. Both the large hall and the black box are exactly the same (imaginary) space.

The thing I enjoyed most about this was that it came completely from my mind. Aside from finding information about colours, I didn't look at any other designs for the play because I really didn't want to be influenced by anyone else the first time I was trying this. It was also nice to not have to think about constraints like budget, and to just let the ideas happen. Of course, in the "real world", that and the space itself are things I'd need to think about, but here, in a two-credit class, it was amazing to see what I could do.

Weeks 7-11: Not Exactly "Comme Il Faut," as it Were.

It certainly has been some a while since I have had the requisite time to sit down (or, more accurately, lay down) and write a post for my adoring fans. Oh, and then there is you all! (Just...take that as a compliment. That is the intent behind it.

Well, lets go in somewhat of a chronological order, shall we?

Whenever midterm grades went out
I discovered that if my midterm grades were my end-of-semester grades, I would have a semester GPA of 3.43. That is a huge deal for me. HUGE. HUGE! GIGANTIC!!!

Friday, 31 October
-I went dressed as an original character from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Read as: I wore the TNG uniform and made myself look pretty.

Wends-Sat 5-8th November
-The performances of The Caucasian Chalk Circle by Bertolt Brecht that I knew I would be involved in since this February. So, it was an event quite some time in the making. It was a pretty good show, and we got a pretty good reaction from the crowd. Since this is a blog about my life, I have no qualms saying that people complemented me more than a few times on it. That made me happy! It was the 40th production I have done. I made the ballsy move to render my pronouns as masculine (the way I prefer them) in my bio and whoever edits the program took it upon themselves to "correct" them. That was set straight right away because the director of the show is one of the best allies I know.

Saturday, 8th November
-A wildly good day. First I had the Alpha Psi Omega National Theatre Honors Society interest meeting.  My parents came up to see Chalk Circle. It was my half-birthday. I had some good pizza. I went to the cast party. An all-over fantastic day!

Monday, 10 Novemeber
-This January, I am designing the costumes for Cardboard Alley Players' production of "The Actor's Nightmare" by Christopher Durang. We had our first production meeting. It is going to be a very, very cool show.

Wednesday, 12 November
-I will be going to the American College Theatre Festival this January. It is in Hyannis, MA. I have never gone before, but it should be really great, just by looking at the other people who are going and what I have heard about it. Surely it will be a great networking, and, more importantly, learning experience. It is a Kennedy Center thing.
-APO UNDERSTUDIES SPRING 2015!!! Yes, you read that correctly. I will be/am an understudy (inductee) for APO this year. (Nu Iota Cast) Those of you closest to me know how much I have wanted this and for how long. And I am finally getting it. It means so much. One of the biggest things it symbolises to me is that I am accepted with the other theatre students and that I am forgiven. But, honestly, all it means is that I meet the requirements, I know that. It just feels like so much more.

14 Novemeber
This semester, I managed to have two workstudies, both filling up my allotted 7 hours/week. For reasons that should not be on the internet, I needed to quit one of them. The need was there for a while. On 14 Nov, I finally had the guts to do it. Go me. Lucky for me, since it is only three hours and the theatre department kind of likes me, I've picked up theatre work study to fill the missing time. I have to say, I feel pretty empowered.

~There has been more than all of this.~

~Looking back, these are just the things that stick out!~

(the) NEXT (few) WEEKs

On Friday (21 Nov), I will leave for home for Thanksgiving break, where I will stay for the remainder of the month...wow. On Saturday, the family and I are going to see Craig Fergueson. I cannot tell you how stoked I am for it! Then, on Sunday, I'm going to see BTC do their production of Big Fish which seems to have been getting all sorts of great press! I'm so proud of them. 

SIDE NOTE: I have started a GoFundMe campaign to help with what I want to do this summer. Basically, I want to take a week-long design course in London. GoFundMe is a more personal version of Kickstarter (crowdfunding). Take a look at my project here. It's starting to be the holiday season, and every penny counts :)

Weeks 4-7: Many Things, and Yet, Nothing

Well, recently there has not been anything really to mention. Hence why I have not mentioned much. I'm still doing quite well with grades and such, but an expense of it has been some stress. Thankfully, I have solidified my friendships enough that I have the right people to talk to.

Living at the lake has still been fantastic. It is pretty great to be able to go home from campus.

Speaking of home, that is where I am presently. It is the end of October Break, and I go home tomorrow at noon. The highlight of being home was getting to see my friend Kevin in The Fantasticks. Picture to the left.

In other theatre-y news, it is all but official that I will be doing the costumes for this January's production of "The Actor's Nightmare" by Christopher Durang. It is a great little play. It has about 13 costumes for five actors and 22 pages. It should prove to be quite the...experience.

Rehearsals for Caucasian Chalk Circle have long been in full swing. After this Friday. we will have reached the milestone of no longer being permitted to call for line. I won't say that it concerns me...but I will say I am not as prepared as I'd like to be.

Oh, and my Doctor Who/Fandom Blog just hit 70,000 views :3

NEXT WEEK

Well, this week is already underway. I have a huge essay that I may or may not have started due Sunday. It really is a may-or-may-not situation: I've only sort of started it. Regardless, hopefully it will pan out. Oh, and it is officially the second half of the semester. Wooooh! Friday and Saturday are the Haunted Pine Lake thing, which I so enjoyed doing last year. I think that because of rehearsals I will only be able to do Saturday. It is basically like being in a Haunted House except outside. Saturday also is the APO interest meeting.... Sunday (26 Oct) I'll go into the city with school to see Cabaret which should be amazing as not only have I really wanted to see it for a while now (#AlanCumming!) but my friends will be there with me :)

Weeks Three and Four: Rehearsals Start, and Not Much Else

3:
There was not really anything overly enthralling this week, hence why it is being combined with another week. I started rehearsals for Caucasian Chalk Circle. I continued to not miss any assignments, I realised that if I take one more English course (190), with the one I'm taking now and the four drama lit courses I have to take for the Theatre Arts major, that I will be able to have the English minor. Cool beans.

4:
This week I was sick. Bleh. Sort of allergies but I also have not one, but two ear infection! (As a friend of mine said, at least I don't have three!) I celebrated Rosh Hashanah with two of my good friends at the lake and it was awesome. We had a meal, with recipes courtesy of my Bubbi, and read the generally accepted portions from the Tanak. My director was nice enough to give me off of rehearsals. I also got the fantastic news that I will be going to New York Comic Con this year, for free with one of the clubs I'm involved with. Yay! I feel like there was more this week but I don't really think that I'm right on that. Also, as of right now, I'll be designing the props and costumes for the jTerm show, "Actor's Nightmare". Awesome. Cool. Fantastic. Yes.

NEXT WEEK

At present, I can't think of anything really worth mentioning...

Week Two: Theatre and Technical Difficulties

What a weird week.

Well, not weird as much a complicated.
Monday started off it all. It was auditions for Caucasian Chalk Circle, the mainstage this fall. Tuesday, everyone got callbacks, and Wednesday only 10. Casting came out on Thursday. The show has 65 or so roles, and we're doing it with 13 actors. Three of my roles I'm really excited for, and the others I'm not very familiar with. One is called the First Doctor, so no need to explain why that's cool. Another one is a farmer's wife, which will be my first speaking role that is female. And this is my 40th production. The only other one I know that truly means anything to me with only having the bits of the script we used for the callbacks is a role called Nephew. needless to say, he is the nephew of someone--but that someone is a prince who is tryung to place my character in power as a pawn. He is nicknamed "Little Fox"  and just oh my god its like the director knew that they are one of my favorite animals and it couldn't be better yay.
We get our scripts and start rehearsing tomorrow.

On Wednesday, I was trying to do training for my work-study. The job requires I know my way around Hartwick's website's content management system (CMS) and how to create in it. So that is what I was learning. My computer had been giving me issues for quite some time--blue screens, insisting on boot that it did not have an OS installed, not lancing applications, thinking programs weren't even installed when they were running in the background--the usual (#Sarcasm) so I brought it to the tech center. Well, apparently it was having issues reading the hard drive, which is being replaced. I should have it back tomorrow. They gave me a loaner in the meantime. Hopefully their back-up was successful. I've heard reports of it being not so. Either way, my really important stuff is on Dropbox or Google drive, so I'm not overly concerned. The only real loss I can't think of is my single-player Minecraft world and the ready-to-upload video of Imbalances., the show I did this summer.

Friday at 7p  kicked off  Hartwick's 7th annual 24-Hour Play Festival. This year, I stage managed one of the plays and it was absolutely fantastic. My good friend, Brian, wrote it, and it was directed by Lynda, another friend of mine. The cast and story was fantastic. It was about a college junior, Clarissa, who is about to leave (like, her plane leaves that night) for a year-long study abroad in Europe when she finds out her father has advanced cancer, and may not be there when she gets back, and she has to decide whether or not to go on her trip, keeping in mind that he Dad, who is a single parent, has worked very hard for her to be able to have this chance to see the world, which is a chance he never had. Ultimately, she goes, knowing that it is what her father wants to do.

Now, as I think I wrote last year, there was a black out that nearly meant an outside performance for last year's 24. This year, we have new LED lights (they're sooo cool!) and it was the first time they were being used, and about half an hour before the show was to start we started smelling a smelly smell that smells when you smell the smell. Many of us were very concerned that something was going very wrong in the dimmer pack (in short, its the connection between the console where the lights are controlled from and the lights themselves). It smelled like our old vacuum cleaner, which I always thought smelled like velvet, but not in a good way at all. At first, Campus Safety was called, but, to say the least, they were a tad out of their element in a technical aspect of theatre. They were, of course, worried about fire, and for a few minutes the show was going to happen without the lighting and just the florescent, which was really tragic because having the LEDs make it so we basically can use any colour at any time, so the lighting was beautiful. But, after a call to the technical director, who postulated that it was just some dust burning off as it was the first time the lights have been being used this semester, and were on for while, it was decided that it wasn't very likely to burst into flames, so we ran both shows, successfully, with the lighting. Yay! I have to say that I think it was the best 24 yet.

NEXT WEEK

Monday: Rehearsals for Caucasian Chalk Circle start. It will be my first mainstage at Hartwick.Th rehearsals will take over my life, but that's a good thing...right? I also have my first day of my other work-study.

Week One: I Didn't Drop the Class, I Threw It on the Ground.

I can't say with honesty that this week was overly eventful. There was only really one highlight, or , um, lowlight.

If you asked me what classes I was taking any time before 11:15 on Wednesday, I would have listed Mandarin as one of them. That, however, quickly became untrue. As much as I was excited for it, I thought it would be taught in the fashion all my other language courses had been. But no. The instructor planned to teach it in an immersion style. Immersion is great if you're in a country where that language is often spoken, or even just in an environment like that. But immersion for 5o minutes three times a week...at least for me, that would not work. She also wanted us to memorise and perform the dialogue from the CDs that came with our books. With out knowing the meaning of the words. Just the sounds...? What really made me decide to drop right away was that her syllabus was a Power Point--I could not print it out if I wanted to, and that we were getting the assignments only a week in advance, leaving me no real chance to get ahead if I wanted to. I knew I would get a bad grade if I kept the class, and I need to bring up my GPA. I also knew that it was a hard choice between Mandarin and a course on sound systems used in the theatre, which are being taught at the same time. So, for a third semester in a row, I have a class with Ken Golden (head of the the Theatre department) at 11:15.

All my other classes, being Intro to Theatre, Intro to Bible, and Victorian Literature (henceforth Vic Lit) seem like they are going to be really cool.

Today was the first fencing club meeting and it was great to get back to that. There were more new people there than returning members, which is great, but it was mostly teaching the newbies the basics, so not that riveting for those of us who couldn't really benefit from getting taught what they were being taught, yet not skilled enough to teach it in they eyes of the eboard.

Oh, and the chipmunk has not dared to make another appearance!

NEXT WEEK

Monday: Auditions for Caucasian Chalk Circle (call-backs Tuesday and maybe Wednesday)

Next Weekend: 24 Hour Play Festival

Week Zero: Welcome Weekend Skits and The Chipmunk

The title here really speaks it all. Well, not quite.

The reason this is Week Zero and not Week One is because I came back to Hartwick a week early because I was acting in the Welcome Weekend Skits that Alpha Psi Omega (APO), Phi Mu Alpha (PMA), and Cardboard Alley Players (CAP) perform for our first-year students (freshmen, transfers, etc). The skits talk about everything from what not to eat in the Commons to how to navigate Perrella Health Center, to the dangers that come with going parties. I remeber watching them my freshman year and they did have some influence on me. A lot of the behaviours they cautioned, like going out to frats aren't really my scene, but I have never eaten the cheese cutlet, which Salad effectively beats in a dance off.
What was really the great part of being in the skits was that I got to be included with the members of APO, of which I am a prospective member. They are generally the more senior theatre people, but also there are people there from my year. Its nice to feel a bit more "in" with the people I want to be friends with. It makes a nice segue that several of the people there live at Pine Lake.

In addition to this being my first week on campus, this was also my first week living at Pine Lake, not counting Awakening (but I'm actually staying here and not living out of a suitcase so its a bit different). It has been incredibly amazing and just so fantastic. Each morning I wake up to birds and a beautiful mist around the lake. My room also has grape vines growing around it, so it really adds a nice feel--plus, in a few weeks I'll just be able to reach outside my window and have grapes!
There has only been one...drawback...here.

Thar she be.

If you know me personally, and not just online, you probably know that I live with a therapy pet, which is a hamster named Espresso. He is awesome. So, this teaches you that I like rodents. But its a bit different when you wake up to something that sounds like a bird but isn't a bird barking (note, I did not write chirping) at you from beneath your desk. I was at first horrified at the possibility that it was a bird. I do not care for birds in such close proximity to me. That was just the begenning. Allow me to regale you with my Facebook statuses:

August 28th

10:04AM
Waking up to birds chirping? Yeah, kind of nice.
Waking up to a bird in your room? Not so much. 

11:30AM
Update: the bird is actually a chipmunk. I never knew they made that noise.

August 29th 

10:26AM
Continuing the Chipmunk Saga. My lovely housemate found a bunch of fur and a ~TAIL~ on a sticky pad used for catching mice under our sink. A friend of mine informed me that chipmunks and similar rodents can drop the skin of their tails as a defense mechanism.
I'm horrified I'm going to wake up to a chipmunk with a bone tail barking at me tomorrow morning.
Absolutely.
Horrified.

August 30th 

2:19PM
THE CHIPMUNK IS BACK.

Luckily, upon its return, it seemed to have a tail. Unfortunately, this tells me that there were likely multiple critters.

NEXT WEEK

Next week will start classes on Tuesday. Until then, I have no reason at all to even leave Pine Lake. I'm looking forward to the semester for so many reason, but I know it will be the hardest one yet. In addition to taking the most credits I've ever taken and being in the mainstage ("Caucasian Chalk Circle"), I also need to get some really great grades to make myself have the GPA I need for APO. It should be eventful and I will try my best to give weekly updates here!

Hellooo Hartwick!

Well.
I have arrived! I can't quite with great honesty say that I am entirely unpacked, but most things are in their place and my room is starting to look like a place where someone is--which is an improvement from this time 24hrs ago.

This week I have rehearsals for the skits that the new students see at the Welcome Weekend. That's why I'm here early. I'm pretty psyched to be here a week early and to be spending it with friends!

I'm going to try to update at least every-other week. We'll see how that goes.....

No Title: There are No Words (Repost)

~~

This post was originally published on my other blog, Time and Relative Dimension in Style (TARDIStyle).

~~

This isn't really a post that has too much to do with Doctor Who. But it is still a post that needs to be written. Because something cannot be seen if it does not exist.

Mrs Doubtfire is quite posibly one
of my favorite movies ever.

By now, everyone who knew who Robin Williams is (note that I refer to him in the present tense--he will always be alive, in our minds and on film) probably knows that he has died. If you had not, I am so, so sorry to be the one to break the news to you. I can't say that a celebrity's death has ever caused an emotional response as deep as his passing has. The fact that it is likely a suicide makes it even more close to me. As soon as it was revealed that it was a suicide, everyone who had ever loved Mrs Doubtfire or Aladdin has immediately become The World's Best Suicide Prevention Advocate. While it is fantastic that the issue is getting the attention it is due, why did we need to lose one of the century's best performers for it to have that attention?

People assume that depression, and mental illness in general, is something that is obvious. But it's not. It's something that can hide for a long time, even in plain sight. 

Those of you who have seen this post already know about my struggles with my condition in a broad sense. But let's talk, let's really talk. 

The big thing that set my mental illness into motion happened in 2004/5. In short, and not to disclose any one else's personal information, my parents separated. I was about 10. I did not start self-injury until I was almost 17. The signs were there. Everything that would build up to that first cut fell into place quite nicely. So incredibly quietly that I was completely unable to identify how it all began until quite recently. I laid those pieces, some of them, in response to others being laid. Like how when you do a puzzle, to extend our metaphor, you put together the outside pieces first (if you didn't know that, enjoy your pro-tip for the day!) Yes, I made choices. But those choices were made in response to my biological programming having an error. If you're familiar with Star Trek: The Next Generation, (if you're not, go watch it; it's fantastic!) you know that Data's positronic brain establishes pathways in response to repeated stimuli. Ours do as well. It is a basic part of how we learn. We see a colour, someone tells us it is purple. Wash, rinse, repeat. Eventually, you learn that that is purple. This is how almost all learning takes place.

I'll get back to the point. The more those connections are reinforced, the stronger they become--and the harder it is to break that pathway. It becomes a habit. A few years after that habit was developed, I reached a roadblock. That behaviour was no longer producing the desired effect. It's like how an addict eventually needs more of the drug to get their high. (Do NOT read that as that I had done drugs. That is not the habit I am referring to at all.) So, my "drug-of-choice" changed. It became self-injury. No--not became, the self-injury was added to the mix. That first disorder did not leave.

Since this is primarily a DW blog,
lets add some DW to it.

A sad byproduct of self-injury that it is not only a sign (a very big, red sign) of depression, but it also causes depression if the person isn't already depressed. It's a bit wibbly-wobbly: the cause-to-effect isn't always what it is assumed to be. I don't know which came first for me. But I do know what happened next. I became suicidal. I lost count, but am proud to have survived no less than 4 suicide attempts. A lot of that number depends on what one considers an attempt. But the only person whose definition of attempt matters is mine and my doctor's. 

Ultimately, I had over five hospitalisations in a psychiatric unit, all occurring within two years of each other. This November will mark two years since the end of my last stay. Hopefully, that date will stay that way. 

When someone has cancer, it starts in one part of the body and can spread to others if not accurately diagnosed and treated effectively. This process is called metastasis. Mental illness does this as well. Of course, it all stays within your brain, but it moves to different parts, different manifestations, often without leaving that first place entirely, if at all. And just like other, more physically tangible diseases, it can leave it's mark on your body. Self-injury in all it's forms is not only seen in depressed patients. (Fun fact? We are not the only species to self-injure.) It can happen in patients with a multitude of disorders. 

"So, Ley, what are you getting at?"

Here is what I am getting at. The biggest thing we need in to do to prevent suicide is talk. I did not talk about that first disorder because I was scared of the consequences--disappointing people, losing friends, the whole deal. Because I was worried about people's reaction, it didn't get any light thrown on it until it was--almost--too late. If that stigma hadn't been there, if I wasn't worried about getting in trouble, there would be a totally different outcome. The fact of the matter is that even as I write this, I have a filter, because I know the same people who I didn't want to disappoint will probably see this, even now that I know that doing what I did wasn't quite as much of a choice as it was a requirement of my biology. We need to recognise that mental illness is not a choice the patient makes. I didn't wake up one morning and thing, "You know what would be fun? If I establish a set of learned behaviours that will ultimately lead to multiple suicide attempts! Yeah, let's do that." Once we rid ourselves of the assumption that people choose to have a mental illness, we can talk about it. And once we can talk about it, we can prevent it. Maybe Mr. Williams' death will really start a conversation about all this. We've been dancing around the issue of mental health for far too long. Let's not just have this death be a point in our society's road where we could have taken a shortcut but did not.

I think it's at least worth a try.

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. If you live outside the US, click here for a the listing of the equivalent service in your country. It will get better, it really will--I promise.

Hartwick and SUNY Oneonta Fencing Match

Today was one of the coolest days I've had in a long time. Actually, scratch that--it's quite warm under all that fencing gear.

As I am told happens most springs, Hartwick's and SUNY Oneonta (SUCO)'s fencing clubs met today. We fenced all three weapons, foil, sabre, and épée. Let me clarify that "weapon" is just what it's called in the sport. As you can imagine, it was a bit tiring, but fun. For each tournament, we split into two groups and did round-robins in each. The first fencer to score 5 points won. The points a fencer scored minus the points scored on the fencer gave us a number of points that decided the seed we were in the bracket, in which the victor is declared at 15 points. We all fenced in the same bracket, of course; splitting in to two groups for the round robins was far faster. It's true that the point totals would have been different if we had been in different groups in the beginning, but who knows whose favour that would have worked in.

The first up was the weapon I use the most, foil. I didn't win a single round-robin bout, but still wasn't the last seed, which was nice. I lost in the first round of the brackets, though. I was very disappointed with my performance, and I don't think I was being aggressive enough. My friend, Carson (also the club's secretary) won the tournament.

Next we had épée. Before today, I'm not sure if I had even ever picked up an épée. I won two out of the three round-robin bouts. I believe I was then the third seed in épée, and lost that match to the Hartwick club president 14-15. In the end, Carson won--again!! I was really impressed at how well I did with épée, especially considering it was my first time, and I was kind of like, "how do I hold this?" It was nice to do so well after such an upset for me in foil.

In foil, the target area is the torso, no arms or legs. In épée, if you hit the person, you get a point, even if you hit each other at the same time. In foil, there is something called right-of-way. This means if both fencers hit each other at the same time, the one who is advancing gets awarded the point. The only caveat to épée is that the point of the weapon has to touch, and the same is true for foil.

The last weapon we did was sabre. In this, you can hit with any part of the blade, from the waist up, including the head. I had used sabre back in jTerm and again last Saturday, so I don't have much experience with it. I did pretty okay with it. Alex won the brackets.

It was really nice that all the people who won the brackets were from Hartwick. There were only three people from SUCO. That is only a fraction of the team, and two of those people were faculty/staff of SUCO and only one student. Apparently the teams liked it enough that we will be holding joint practices once a week. It will definitely be interesting to see their styles of fencing, as there was a very palpable difference between the two club's forms going into the matches.

Acting in the Face of Judgements

In the sixth grade, I picked up Agatha Christie's And Then There Were None after something about it had been brought up in class (I honestly don't remember what exactly). The teacher took one look at me reading that and said "Hailey, I don't think you can handle that book." My reaction? Of course, keep reading that book, and write a B+ essay on it. Bam.

Although that was eight years ago, that trend still follows me.

I wanted to sign up for the Victorian Literature course for this coming fall semester, so I did. A few days after I registered for it, my academic advisor said that she needed to meet with me. Earlier today, when we met, she told me that the professor of the class thought that I could not handle the class. Technically, she could not bar me from taking the course as although it is a 300-level course there are no prerequisites for the class.

Where did this come from? The one time I had met the professor--almost two years ago--I was very anxious about a plethora of different thing. It was incoming students day, and we were meeting with advisors about course scheduling for the fall, etc., and I had to meet with the person who coordinates services for students with disabilities at the same time as this session. It was a new setup to have advisors meet with a group of students, and I was in a new place with new people and, honestly, a little scared about missing that other appointment. Long story short, we both left that meeting with negative views of each other.

When I saw that this same professor was offering a course on Victorian Literature, and it was a course that would satisfy the writing level graduation requirement, I was conflicted. On one hand, I really wanted to take this course. On the other, it was with her. But, I decided to put that behind me and sign up anyway.

I can't say I was overly surprised when the professor wanted to meet with me before this course. What I was surprised about was how well this meeting went. In fact, I'm not exactly sure it could have gone any better.

I came in with my tail between my legs. She started to talk about the course, in a way that seemed like she was trying to scare me out of taking the course, but it actually made me want to take the course even more. She asked what kind of literary background I had, so I told her about how I had been published with UAL last fall. On learning that it was about Doctor Who, she insisted that I meet a colleague of hers who was also a Whovian after we were done talking.

Just before we finished talking, I brought up that first circumstance under which we had met. I apologised. Her response was that she thought it was a "mature and professional" thing to do. I explained that I had a lot of extraneous stress, and that sealed the deal. There was a look of surprise on her face when I said "extraneous".

While introducing me to this colleague, the department chair came by. She introduced me to her, as well, although we had already met as the Theatre Arts and English departments are the same department. She said, "this is Ley. She will be taking my Victorian Lit course in the fall."


I think there is still some reservations that she has on me. I know that I will have to work very, very hard on this course to prove that I can handle it.

We shall see...

Why Herro Dere!

Hi! I'm so horrible about the upkeep of this blog. Meh. Well, it is what it is and I suppose that something is better than nothing.

I can't believe it's November already! Tomorrow, the 7th is the anniversary of my last discharge from the Cooperstown Psych Unit! That was my most recent hospitalization in a series of five. That's right! Tomorrow, it will have been a year since my last stay. I have not had a year outside of the hospital since my first hospitalization in Feburay 2011. So yay! It may not sound like a big acheivement, but for me it most definitly is.

Other News:
I've come to the realization that the Dual Degree wasn't going to happen. In case you don't know, Dual Degree would mean graduating with two BAs (or I guess two BSs or a BA and a BS...). It means taking 30 extra credits outside the two majors, which were Theatre Arts and Psychology. I've kept the Theatre Arts major and now am going for minors in both Psychology and French. So I should be graduating, hopefully, in 2016. Which is nice, financially!

I don't remember if I announced this here already, but whatever:
The Breakfast Players (the group I did Hamlet with) has gotten the rights for "Waiting for Godot" for August 2014. This production will benefit the Lustgarten Foundation. In addition, we will be presenting a collection of original monologues, one acts, and a short play. These productions will benifit the charity To Write Love on Her Arms.

And...I think that's about it. I will try to have some more upkeep on the blog!

Packing for College: A Love-Hate Relationship

College Tetris!

A Bunch of Good News

So, here it is. The post that you've been waiting for.

I will be returning to Hartwick in the fall.
Take a moment to think about it. When a child starts school at 3 or so, the biggest break they really ever have from school is summer-about two and a half months. On September 1 when I return, it will have been seven months and one week, exactly. That's a long, long time. But, as most of you know, I have not at all been wasting my time.
I used the (unwelcomed) break from school to do something really amazing. I produced, directed, and acted in "Hamlet". This was a project far beyond the scale of what is even asked as a senior thesis for my theatre major. Not only that, but it was entirely for charity. Over $1,500 will be donated to the Lustgarten Foundation (I do not have the final number yet).

My Personal Appeal to Hartwick

Hi everyone! It is with great joy that I tell you that the letter to Hartwick asking them to allow me to return for the Fall 2013 semester has been sent! I also faxed a copy, so there's no way things could get messed up or arrive late.

They only asked for a letter from my doctor, but I gave them one thing more. I also sent a personal appeal to them, and I thought I might share it with you all.

~~~

"One of the most vivid memories of January 25th 2013, the day I was told that I could not return to Hartwick until the fall semester is Gary Robinson explaining that to return I must do as my therapist at home suggested. 'If they say to get a job, you get a job,' he said. I remember thinking that there was no way I'd ever be on the campus I love again if that was the case.
"In Westchester County, one of the most affluent counties in the nation, there are three types of people in my age bracket. Category I is the people who have finished college with a four-year degree meaningful to the career they wish to pursue. Category II is the people who, at best, finished high school, but most of these people are drop-outs. Category III is the most unemployable, and also the category I belong to. It is people who finished high school and have some college experience. This group is not qualified to do meaningful jobs like Category I is, and are over-qualified to do the menial minimum-wage work that Category II does.
"This categorization is not something I made up to validate not having a job. I applied. If I had gotten any interviews, here's how I think the conversation would have ended: 'you got in to college, why aren't you taking classes?' It's a question that I do not want to give the answer to. I'd have two options that involved honesty: a) I am on a medical leave-which would be followed by the questioning what I have because I don't look sick, or, b) I am on a mental health leave-and that answer wouldn't do because people don't trust the mentally I'll to do anything, even though my mental illness would not really impair my job performance.
"Allow me to dispel something that may have caused some confusion-my therapist did not ask me to get a job, he asked me to find something to occupy my time, be it classes at the local community college, volunteering, etc. Naturally, my first avenue to explore was getting a job because life is a lot easier with an income. I searched until the middle of February-when I found something a whole lot better than a job.

"On the last day of classes for the Ardsley High School class of 2012, we were told that one of the most beloved teachers in the whole district had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I had had the miraculous luck to have this teacher, Rod Baird, that year until he left just after February break. My relationship with him changed my life and I can easily say that the news that he would in all likelihood be dead within a year and there was nothing to be done about it troubled me more than any other student I knew. Eleven days after returning home from Hartwick I received the news that Rod had passed away. Many of his past students came from all across the country to attend his memorial service. And it was on my way there that I thought up what I'd do for the next six months.
"Mr. Baird, like all the other twelfth grade English teachers taught Shakespeare’s 'Hamlet', but no one taught the play like he did. With him, even the most delinquent student (I use that term loosely) not only was interested in the lesson plan, but understood the complex existential points it made.
"The day of his memorial I was texting my friend, Nico, who had also hand Mr. Baird and was going to give me a ride home after the service. I punched the two characters that would dictate my life for half a year: '2b'—short hand for 'to be'—and, like any good Theatre Arts major, thought of Hamlet's most famous soliloquy: "to be or not to be, that is the question, weather 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take up arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing; end them"- when he stops the play midway through to ask "what's the point?"
"I can't say exactly in what pattern the synapses fired to give me the idea, but I would spend the next six months preparing a production of Hamlet: the most revered play in the English-speaking world as a fundraiser for pancreatic cancers one of the most under-researched cancers.
"If you have never produced a play, you may think “how could doing a play take six months?”, but if you have produced a play you aren’t asking any questions, you’re just in awe that a student barely in to her BA Theatre Degree could pull this feat off. My answer? Carefully, and with the support of the community.
With a work like “Hamlet” which is in the public domain, it’s easy to get a hold of a script. What’s not easy is that the script, uncut, amounts to about four hours, and not only does no one want to sit through a four-hour play, but no actors want to perform a four-hour play. Shakespeare even admitted that Hamlet is long-in Act III, Polonius says “this is too long!”, and right he is. I cut the script from about 150 pages to roughly 110, which is no easy task as most of the play is about Hamlet’s lack of action in avenging his father’s death and that must be preserved.
"Secondly, I had to find actors. I had decided that I would play Hamlet because I was directing and I could to that, and I didn’t trust anyone else with the role. So that left me with more than twenty other roles to cast. I with some sleight-of-hand, I was able to have a cast of just 11 people. I can’t tell you how, because I don’t really know—that, and magicians never reveal their secrets. Although the cast was a bit more like a splint as it slowly shifted from what I had established in March to what we will perform with next week, it was hardly the most difficult part of making this happen.
"The most difficult part was finding a space to perform in. I searched the area, and two weeks before rehearsals started at the end of June I decided on the Ardsley Community Center. The ACC decided on me, too. As the production was being done by students (and mostly Ardsley students at that) and because it was a benefit production, the Town voted to waive the rental fee-which would have been close to $1,000.
After that, I needed to find a place to have the rehearsals. With the support of the Village of Ardsley and the community center, I approached the town library. They too waived the cost of the rental of their community room.
"This brings me to yesterday, when I picked up the props that the after-school private theatre group I attended are lending to me, also free of charge. And later today I will go to the Independent Grocers to measure the pallets they are donating to us that we will make the stage with. This coming Friday, the local newspaper, The Rivertowns Enterprise, is doing a full length article about the production. Tomorrow they will be at the rehearsal to take photos.
"Doing all of this won’t earn me a cent. But it has, and will continue to give me something much more valuable than any amount of money. It has given me, and countless others, closure for Rod’s death. Even though there was nothing we could do to save him, doing this is our way of showing that this shouldn’t have happened; that it’s not okay; that no community should have this type of loss. I could have sat by and done nothing to improve the lives of those living with this cancer, which has less than a 20 % one-year survival rate and a five-year survival rate under 5%. I am using theatre as it is meant to be used: as a device to bring together peoples of all different backgrounds to see what we all have in common.

"The production is not the only thing that I have spent my time with, though it is what has taken the vast majority of my time. Aside from therapy, I started a blog about my favorite television show, Doctor Who, and the site has become a rather big fish in a small pond. It has had over 14,000 views since I started it in mid-March. My material on that also caught the right person’s eye landed me a freelance journalism gig as a Doctor Who correspondent for the international entertainment site WhatCulture.com. WhatCulture! is comparable to a magazine, but it is completely online. It is based in England, where I hope to move after I graduate from Hartwick. I have yet to publish anything there, mostly because Hamlet is taking up so much of my time. The site is visited by over one million people around the globe every month.

"I sincerely hope that this has given you a perspective of who I am and how I am more than Mood Disorder (NOS) and Personality Disorder (NOS). I hope it shows you my potential as a student now that I have received treatment for the illnesses that hinder me. I hope it shows you how much of an asset I could be to the college. But overall, I hope it shows you what I know now more than ever to be true: I am so incredibly ready to return."

Advice for Incoming Freshmen

Dear Class of 2017,

This fall, you will embark on one of the most marvellous journeys life has planned for you. You will make new friends, discover new interests, and, most importantly, learn who you are. But only if you let yourself.

When I went to college, I literally knew no one at my school. I am literally the third graduate of my high school to attend my school, but that isn't always the situation for everyone. So for me, I had no choice but to make new friends at school. If you are going to a place with people I know, my advice to you is to try to not be with them for the first month or so. Chances are that in the new environment you will meet people that you may even like more than your old friends from high school simply because there is a larger pool of people. I don't mean that you should abandon your old friends (part of my attempt to not do that is this blog!), but expand!

These new friends that you make will probably have a whole set of interests that you haven't explored, especially if you haven't declared a major. I went in to school with the Theatre Arts half of my major decided, so I can't really speak to being undeclared, but I do know people who went in thinking of being a math major and met a religious studies major and loved what she was studying so much that he ended up a religious studies major. For me, a lot of people in the Theatre Arts major like Doctor Who, and that is how I got in to it. Now, I run a relatively popular Doctor Who blog (TARDIStyle.blogspot.com). I never thought in a million years that I would have started to like the show (I could write a whole separate post on why, but I wont, at least not now) and it quickly turned in to something I love. 

This above all, to thine own self be true. Some say that college is a chance to reinvent yourself. And it is, in some sense. But that is not to say that you should dress goth when you're a hipster, listen to rap when you're in to punk rock or fake an accent. For me, my "reputation" in high school was no where near accurate to who I really am, and college was an opportunity to align me and who people think I am. You won't have another chance to do this, really.

A great change in who you are is about to happen, probably for the better. You have to let yourself become the kind of person you want to be.

Sincerely,

Ley