A New Blog

Yes, you heard it here second (it's already on my Facebook): I'm starting a blog devoted to my experience as a transgender person. This will allow this blog to stay about my day-to-day life. Here is the link, and it will be in my menu above as well.

My Name is Noah and I am Transgender

I'd like to take a little time to speak about something not previously on this blog.

As my friends and some family may know, I came out as transgender in 2014. If you had seen this blog before it was redone, you know that I've changed its layout and even URL to reflect the changes coming out has allowed me to finally make in my life. I'd like to inform (I wish I could find a gentler word) you what's changed and what will be changing in the future, and, most importantly, what remain exactly the same.

Changed

I have known that I am a male in a female's body for about seven years. For better or worse, it has been my best kept secret. I wanted to deny it, I wanted to make myself live in accordance with my chromosomes, but it became too much. It is what I attribute my psychological distress that came to a head in 2011 to.

To know something and to admit it are two totally separate things. As I said, I knew I was trans, but it was not until last April (2014) that I could look at my face in the mirror and say "I am transgender," much less tell anyone else.

The first thing I changed was my usage of pronoun. In July, I came out to my friends and close family as gender fluid. A gender-fluid person sometimes feels like a man and sometimes a woman. This was not the case, but I did so with the rationale that it would test the waters. Thankfully, I widely found acceptance. I chose to use the male pronoun with this change. Some picked up, some did not.

I'd say it was October when I started coming out as binary transgender - or, Female to Male (FTM). For the most part, it went well.

In December, I decided that I wanted to start hormones. For FTMs, testosterone is used as a masculinising treatment, to align what I and others see with what I feel.

It was in January that I decided on changing my name. Although I was very attached to Ley, I knew I had to let it go. Sure, the spelling was gender neutral, but I wanted something not neutral. I could have used Lee, but I've never liked at all how that name looks. It even sounds a bit different in my head. I ended up choosing Noah. As you probably know, I'm Jewish and Noah is a name that reflects that. I also chose it for its meaning, which is rest/comfort. In coming to terms with being trans, I have been more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin, even though coming out meant admitting just how trapped I feel in it. I chose it for another reason, and that is for the story of Noah in the Torah. Noah, as pretty much everyone in the Western world knows, is said to have built the ark when Gd said that He was going to flood the world because people suck. (#Candid) Noah survives the storm that ended others. I have survived my own storm, specifically the trial of mental illness which is now behind me. I also chose to change my middle name to reflect the change in gender. I went with Micah. Micah is said to have been the name my parents would I have chosen had I been designated as male at birth. So I am honouring them there. It also works well with another new aspect of my life, which is my newly found faith. The name is Biblical, being the name of a prophet (the Book of Micah) who speaks against unjust leaders, defends the poor and weak in the face of the rich and powerful, preaches for social justice and hopes for a peaceful world. It contains the quotation, "He has shown all you people what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your god," which I appreciate (6:8). The name itself means "who is like Gd," which relates to my finding spirituality and becoming closer to a true belief in Gd over the course of my transition, the two of which I relate.

Also in January, I began the process to gain access to hormones. The WPATH Standards of Care for transgender people require a letter from a mental health professional recommending hormones as treatment for access to them. This brings me to the next section.

Changing

I chose today to write about this here because today I picked up the afore mentioned letter. It is a great step forward in my transition. I should be making the appointment to meet with the prescribing MD in a week or so. There are many effects, which you can Google.

Not Changing

I don't know what kind of man I'm going to become.

See, that's the thing, I'm the Doctor, but beyond that, I... I just don't know. I literally do not know who I am. It's all untested. Am I... funny? Am I sarcastic? Sexy? Right old misery? Life and soul? Right-handed, left-handed, a gambler, a fighter, a coward, a traitor, a liar, a nervous wreck?

-Tenth Doctor, "The Christmas Invasion" 

So that says a bit of it. I'm still me, just as the Doctor is still himself. It is a tad like I've regenerated. I mean, I'm still me, still making Doctor Who references at every possible chance. It's still the same person inside, same memories, same personality. But there will be changes. People are always in flux, some more than others, and more at certain times in their lives than at other times. This will be a big period of change for me, not only physically but emotionally. A person would have to be socially blind to not understand that males and females are initially socialised differently and continue to be treated differently their entire lives. As I begin to read as male more, I will undoubtedly be treated by people differently. In many respects, I look forward to that, but there are, like everything associated with this transition, things that scare me. But if there is one thing I've learned since I first realised the incongruence in me, it is that taking risks is often worth it. It is a risk I am taking. There's a chance that I will hate being read as male and experiencing a male body; it is entirely possible. But I do not believe that it will happen and that is the important bit. I am completely positive that this is right for me.

Concluding...

Firstly, thanks for reading. To those of you who did not know, I'm glad you do now. I hope to continue to receive your support thought my transition. Currently, I plan to post a selfie a day once I start hormones. The change is bound to be interesting and I look forward to it.

One last thing. I'd apologise for it being self-promoting, but this is my personal blog after all. I have a GoFundMe campaign to help with my transition-related expenses. If you would like to donate, click here. Even if you cannot, please consider shairing the page on your social media account(s). Any help is incredibly valued. Thank you so much.

I've created a transgender tag for the blog. To view all my trans posts in an aggregate, click here.