A New Blog

Yes, you heard it here second (it's already on my Facebook): I'm starting a blog devoted to my experience as a transgender person. This will allow this blog to stay about my day-to-day life. Here is the link, and it will be in my menu above as well.

My Name is Noah and I am Transgender

I'd like to take a little time to speak about something not previously on this blog.

As my friends and some family may know, I came out as transgender in 2014. If you had seen this blog before it was redone, you know that I've changed its layout and even URL to reflect the changes coming out has allowed me to finally make in my life. I'd like to inform (I wish I could find a gentler word) you what's changed and what will be changing in the future, and, most importantly, what remain exactly the same.

Changed

I have known that I am a male in a female's body for about seven years. For better or worse, it has been my best kept secret. I wanted to deny it, I wanted to make myself live in accordance with my chromosomes, but it became too much. It is what I attribute my psychological distress that came to a head in 2011 to.

To know something and to admit it are two totally separate things. As I said, I knew I was trans, but it was not until last April (2014) that I could look at my face in the mirror and say "I am transgender," much less tell anyone else.

The first thing I changed was my usage of pronoun. In July, I came out to my friends and close family as gender fluid. A gender-fluid person sometimes feels like a man and sometimes a woman. This was not the case, but I did so with the rationale that it would test the waters. Thankfully, I widely found acceptance. I chose to use the male pronoun with this change. Some picked up, some did not.

I'd say it was October when I started coming out as binary transgender - or, Female to Male (FTM). For the most part, it went well.

In December, I decided that I wanted to start hormones. For FTMs, testosterone is used as a masculinising treatment, to align what I and others see with what I feel.

It was in January that I decided on changing my name. Although I was very attached to Ley, I knew I had to let it go. Sure, the spelling was gender neutral, but I wanted something not neutral. I could have used Lee, but I've never liked at all how that name looks. It even sounds a bit different in my head. I ended up choosing Noah. As you probably know, I'm Jewish and Noah is a name that reflects that. I also chose it for its meaning, which is rest/comfort. In coming to terms with being trans, I have been more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin, even though coming out meant admitting just how trapped I feel in it. I chose it for another reason, and that is for the story of Noah in the Torah. Noah, as pretty much everyone in the Western world knows, is said to have built the ark when Gd said that He was going to flood the world because people suck. (#Candid) Noah survives the storm that ended others. I have survived my own storm, specifically the trial of mental illness which is now behind me. I also chose to change my middle name to reflect the change in gender. I went with Micah. Micah is said to have been the name my parents would I have chosen had I been designated as male at birth. So I am honouring them there. It also works well with another new aspect of my life, which is my newly found faith. The name is Biblical, being the name of a prophet (the Book of Micah) who speaks against unjust leaders, defends the poor and weak in the face of the rich and powerful, preaches for social justice and hopes for a peaceful world. It contains the quotation, "He has shown all you people what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your god," which I appreciate (6:8). The name itself means "who is like Gd," which relates to my finding spirituality and becoming closer to a true belief in Gd over the course of my transition, the two of which I relate.

Also in January, I began the process to gain access to hormones. The WPATH Standards of Care for transgender people require a letter from a mental health professional recommending hormones as treatment for access to them. This brings me to the next section.

Changing

I chose today to write about this here because today I picked up the afore mentioned letter. It is a great step forward in my transition. I should be making the appointment to meet with the prescribing MD in a week or so. There are many effects, which you can Google.

Not Changing

I don't know what kind of man I'm going to become.

See, that's the thing, I'm the Doctor, but beyond that, I... I just don't know. I literally do not know who I am. It's all untested. Am I... funny? Am I sarcastic? Sexy? Right old misery? Life and soul? Right-handed, left-handed, a gambler, a fighter, a coward, a traitor, a liar, a nervous wreck?

-Tenth Doctor, "The Christmas Invasion" 

So that says a bit of it. I'm still me, just as the Doctor is still himself. It is a tad like I've regenerated. I mean, I'm still me, still making Doctor Who references at every possible chance. It's still the same person inside, same memories, same personality. But there will be changes. People are always in flux, some more than others, and more at certain times in their lives than at other times. This will be a big period of change for me, not only physically but emotionally. A person would have to be socially blind to not understand that males and females are initially socialised differently and continue to be treated differently their entire lives. As I begin to read as male more, I will undoubtedly be treated by people differently. In many respects, I look forward to that, but there are, like everything associated with this transition, things that scare me. But if there is one thing I've learned since I first realised the incongruence in me, it is that taking risks is often worth it. It is a risk I am taking. There's a chance that I will hate being read as male and experiencing a male body; it is entirely possible. But I do not believe that it will happen and that is the important bit. I am completely positive that this is right for me.

Concluding...

Firstly, thanks for reading. To those of you who did not know, I'm glad you do now. I hope to continue to receive your support thought my transition. Currently, I plan to post a selfie a day once I start hormones. The change is bound to be interesting and I look forward to it.

One last thing. I'd apologise for it being self-promoting, but this is my personal blog after all. I have a GoFundMe campaign to help with my transition-related expenses. If you would like to donate, click here. Even if you cannot, please consider shairing the page on your social media account(s). Any help is incredibly valued. Thank you so much.

I've created a transgender tag for the blog. To view all my trans posts in an aggregate, click here.

Generic Post Title: I'm Applying to Become and EMT

When I was about three years old, my mom saw me pulling at my skin on the top of my wrist. In what I imagine was a bit of fear, she asked me what I was doing, and I'm reported to have said "I want to see what's inside." The result of this was my parents buying me a book about the human body that had film layers of the skin, muscles, organs, veins/arteries, nerves, and skeleton. I think I still have it in my room somewhere.
Needless to say, I wanted to be a doctor as a child. We all know that that isn't the case now, but my interest in the medical world never faded. Some of my fondest memories of high school summers are from the week I spent at Appalachian State University at an anatomy/physiology program in which we worked with (human) medical cadavers. It was a bit of a strange thing for a rising 10th grader interested in the arts to do, but I loved every second spent in lab and lecture.

I know I'm not cut out for changing to be a pre-med or nursing student, but what I do know is that I don't want to look back and see that I did nothing with a dream and interest that I've had as long as I can remember. So, after a lot of thought, I am proud to say that I just completed the application for the local volunteer ambulance corps. If things go my way, I will spend the summer becoming an EMT-Basic or at least a first responder.

I'm really excited to be taking this step toward doing something related to what I dreamed I would as a child, and I'll probably post more about it as I find out more. That's all I have to say about it now.

Catching Up: Everything of Importance Since Mid-Novemeber

As this title might lead you to believe, this is going to be quite the post.

End of Fall Semester

I finished the fall semester with a 3.243 GPA, by far the highest I've had. It brought my cumulative up to 2.795. Everything went well.
On a less academic front, as I mentioned in my previous post, I am an understudy in Alpha Psi Omega, the National Theatre Honors Society, which has been a goal since freshman year. This was only made better when the big/little reveals were made, and it is one of my best friends, Brian, who is currently studying abroad in India.

Winter Break

This winter break was absolutely fantastic. I got to work with Broadway Training Center (where I was a student from 2007-12) on their Gala production of Boeing Boeing. It was a huge learning experience for me. I assisted with the building and painting of the set and ran the lights during the show, as well as some other odds and ends. It was so wonderful to be able to work with some of my favourite people.

jTerm

This jTerm, I did a directed study in set design. We have normally-offered courses called "Fundamentals of Theatrical Design" (which I took last spring) and "Advanced Lighting and Design" (which I will take a year from now). There is nothing in between, so my advisor and I decided to call the course "Intermediate Design". I worked independently on a total of four designs for M. Butterfly by David Henry Hwang. You can read more about what I did here.
Also as part of the course, I attended the Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival, Region 1. (KCACTF1, or just ACTF). I attended all the set and lighting design workshops that I could, and made a presentation on what I learned as well. I earned and A in the course, bringing my GPA to 2.836. The biggest thing I took away from the design work and ACTF is that scenic design is what I really want to do.

Side note: Why do I care so much about GPA?

Well, I think I have a pretty good reason. To be inducted to the national for APO, I need at 3 by the last semester of my senior year. Also, I'd like to be in Sigma Tau Delta (English honours) as well, for which I need a 3.0 cumulative and a 3.4 in my English courses. All of that seems like it is on track to happen.

Also jTerm: I designed the costumes for our production of "The Actors Nightmare" by Christopher Durang. What I learned there is that I am not...cut out...to be a costume designer.

Spring Term, so far.

Week five of the semester has just passed, and things are going great. I'm taking a geology lab (#LiberalArtsCollegeStudentProblems), as well as Intro to Literature, the last English course I need for the minor which isn't involved in the theatre major (the theatre major requires 4 dramatic literature courses, and the English minor needs 5 English courses plus Intro). I'm also taking Contemporary American Drama, which is greaat. The last play we covered was actually M. Butterfly. We've also looked at Clyborne Park and a few other cool plays. We will do The Laramie Project and Hedwig and the Angry Inch later in the semester, which I really look forward to.
Also in Noah's world is #Concussion2k15. By the title, you can assume that I have a concussion and every thing is horrible. It happened 5 March and is just starting to clear up. Obviously, I'm well enough to write this. But what this also means is that I've been out of class since the 9th, aside from going to contemporary because we were doing Butterfly that day. I should be back in class on Tuesday. I'll have a lot of catching up to do over spring break.
Another really cool thing? I'm a design assistant on the main stage production of The Liar by Pierre Corneille, translated by David Ives. I'm working on making a library of images to use on the set. Even cooler is that I've been given a Freedman Prize for this. What that means is that I have a certain amount of money to put toward the project and will have a contingency prize at the end. What this also means is that I will be presenting my work at the scholar showcase on 8 May. Yes, on  my birthday. My 21st birthday. What can you do.

I think that's really it, and you can look forward to a redesign of the blog soon! 

Intermediate Design: M. Butterfly by David Henry Hwang

This jTerm, I did a directed study in set design. We have normally-offered courses called "Fundamentals of Theatrical Design" (which I took last spring) and "Advanced Lighting and Design" (which I will take a year from now). There is nothing inbetween, so my advisor and I decided to call the course "Intermediate Design". I worked independently on a total of four designs for M. Butterfly by David Henry Hwang. The challenge was to have the same design adapted to a larger (or smaller, depending on how you look at it)  space. I chose to do two designs. Here are the scale renderings, and a little explanation. I also did the groundplans, but I don't feel the need to upload them.

This one is the large hall abstract-ish one. To give a sense of scale, it's about 50' from the base of the red platform to the bottom of the proscenium arch. I used red and white because of the different connotations they have in the east versus the west. In the east, white is the colour of mourning, like black is in the west. In the west, white is associated with purity. That plays on the idea of Song being a pure being, as Gallimard wants her to be, but the death of that idea when it is revealed Song is actually a man. I used red as it is the western colour of passion/love/things of that ilk, and luck in China. The other colour were chosen primarily because they look good with the others. I wanted to subtly suggest a butterfly with the shape. In between the two, for lack of a better word, wings, is a scrim, and there is a platform behind which means that action can take place behind there, but depending on how one lights a scrim, it can be distorted. If its lit from behind, the objects create an eerie shadow, but if its lit from the front, it creates an even more interesting look. That area could be used for creating the jail cell from which Gallimard recalls the events of the play that lead to his incarceration.

Here is my personal favourite, because it is what came to me while I read the play. I'm calling this one the expressionistic version. It clearly has Gallimard's cell on top, and also has a playing space next to it. There is an archway connecting the two. The cell has the bars on the front and a window on the back, which can be lit from the front of house and the rear as well to create shadows. the pattern on the unit itself, the red, green, and blue, are butterfly colours. I wanted to stay away from the obvious black/brown and orange. The two archways stage right and left are meant to look like the wing of a butterfly. I chose red trim for the colour's connotations again. It is in the same scale as the previous design. 

I adapted these designs to fit in a medium black box. I wanted there to be the ability to play with levels (the director in me came out) in any set up, so I made sure there were levels here. I like the way I consolidated the expressionistic version to still have the cell. As a point of interest, Gallimard says what the dimensions of his cell are, and the dimensions, in all the designs, are roughly that. To give scale, both platforms are about 30' across. Both the large hall and the black box are exactly the same (imaginary) space.

The thing I enjoyed most about this was that it came completely from my mind. Aside from finding information about colours, I didn't look at any other designs for the play because I really didn't want to be influenced by anyone else the first time I was trying this. It was also nice to not have to think about constraints like budget, and to just let the ideas happen. Of course, in the "real world", that and the space itself are things I'd need to think about, but here, in a two-credit class, it was amazing to see what I could do.